I hate your face
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
