Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
