I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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