I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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