I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
