I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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