Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
