I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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