Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
