3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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