I faked an abortion last night.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
