I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
be right there i have to get my cape
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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