I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
