Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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