My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think I won the penis lottery.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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