I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
