im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I need water and some morals
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
