My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
