So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
