They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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