laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
