I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
