hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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