Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
