Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
