its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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