apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
