I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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