I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
