That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
