my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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