the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
