I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Congratulations! We have a period
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
