She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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