Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Who died my cat blue again?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
