like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
