Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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