Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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