My cat gives me a boner
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
