So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
