She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
