I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
