video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
