turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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