I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
