if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
