i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
