I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
