you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
why is half of my head shaved?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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