I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
