In the future we'll all be gay
I can text with my tongue
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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