my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
