My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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