After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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