it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
