Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
