I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize