There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You dont lie about slip and slides
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
