You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
