I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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