Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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